To my late mum

Bedroom wall with Metallica, Faith No More, etc. posters

I think we can all agree that the last 18 months or so have been rather brutal. On top of the Covid-19 pandemic, just over a year ago, my mother died a few days after her 81st birthday. She was at home, it was sudden, and she had the most magnificent pink hair. I dropped almost all my projects and for the last twelve months have been driving up between Fife and the Scottish Borders to help clear her flat, close her accounts, and deal with her estate. The final piece of paperwork arrived last week. It is done.

So, I’m picking up things again and seeing how they sit with me in this new post-parents world (my father died in January 1998). My current plan is to try to review at least one album per month and build up from there.

My mum never really understood my taste in music.

“It’s all just a lot of noise and shouting,” she would often say to me. At times she was right, but for the most part my ears heard something more nuanced: at times rhythmic, tribal, guttural, heartfelt, deep, moving, impressive, disposable, exciting, soulful, dark, expressive, hopeful.

But Mum put up with it and eventually supported me in my love for this genre of dark, heavy music, even if she didn’t understand it. She put up with hanging my band t-shirts on the line outside her house.

*Mum would often complain about hanging my t-shirts on the line*

She put up with me covering every space of my bedroom walls with band posters, mostly Queen, Metallica, Slayer…

*The first time I listened to …And Justice For All was on that record player*

…and when I found the courage, a few attractive women too.

*You mean, not every young metalhead’s bedroom looked like this?*

At birthdays and Christmas, I would ask for CDs. Mum always bought me a jumper because she didn’t see the value in buying money. Until last Christmas, her last Christmas with us, it turned out. She bought me Back to the Light by Brian May on CD. It was a simple gift, but somehow I finally felt fully accepted by my Mum—that she acknowledged that part of me that she found so difficult to understand and support. Thanks Mum!

I would often try to help her bridge that gap. One year I sent her these lyrics from Rob Halford’s solo album Crucible (2002) in my Mother’s Day card. She found them beautiful, and they are. So… this is my little tribute to my Mum and her sweet and enduring ability to completely dismiss my musical taste for all these years!

She

She is the one who fills my soul
With grace and dignity so rare
A jewel that shines upon her child
And lifts me to a higher place – a higher place

She sang to me before I breathed
Alive inside she gave me life

I felt her heartbeat as if touching mine
The rhythm stays and never leaves
She smiles and warms the coldest of the days
Her soft caress brings peace and hope

And when I’m gone she’s always there
To carry me through troubled times
She held me to her simple truth
That all I need is what she gives

In dreamland where the child still lives
Forever pure in arms of love

This virtue leaves tranquillity
As ever radiant it’s always light
Her laughter drifts across a thousand miles
And takes me back to innocence

Rob Halford
From the album Crucible, 2002

She

Related